The Frustration of Emotionally Immature Parents
Is your mom always disappointed in you, comparing you to other people who are more successful, better off, look better, or married better? Does your dad play nice in public but explode on you and your family in private, with just about anything setting him off?
You might joke about it with your friends or siblings, calling it “The Mom-Knows-Best Show” or “The Great Disappearing Dad” to try to make it hurt less, but odds are, you’re worn out. Their dysfunctional behaviors and their insistence that their needs come first have been at the core of your parent-child relationship your whole life.
Are you stuck in this difficult dynamic? Let’s learn more about the impacts of emotionally immature parents, and what you can do to help yourself find closure.
Emotional immaturity in parents can present differently in different families
Hurt people hurt people; emotional immaturity in parents is often the result of generational trauma. Dysfunctional dynamics and troubling parenting norms are passed down until someone is brave enough to say “enough”.
While emotionally immature parenting can often incorporate all of the categories listed below, a parent who falls short falls into one of these categories more than the others:
- Controlling/driven: These highly critical parents demand perfection and accomplishment in all things, insisting everything go a certain way no matter what and dismissing anything other than their perception of success as a failure.
- Emotionally dysregulated: These parents are driven by emotional reactivity; their responses aren’t proportionate to the situation and can become suddenly explosive or shut down. Everything feels like a potential fight.
- Rejecting: These parents push their children away, refusing to provide affection or guidance.
- Passive/negligent: These parents are happy when their children are happy, but when anything challenging or complex comes up, they opt out of participating (and may deny anything has happened at all).
What do all of these have in common? The parent’s emotional needs and whims come first. The child comes second. The parent’s perspective is what defines what’s real and what matters, and the child is tasked with helping the parent manage their adult emotions.
What happens when you’re the child of emotionally immature parents?
Any of the above sound familiar to you? For children of emotionally immature parents, it can feel like a relief to have it finally acknowledged that their parents fell short. It can also be a stomach-dropping moment; if you were raised by people who lacked the maturity to do a good job as parents, what does that mean for you?
You learn dysfunctional communication and relationship dynamics early on
Emotionally immature parents set dysfunctional, or downright harmful, examples for children. Your parents are likely emotionally immature in all of their relationships to some extent, and you may have learned that:
- Children exist to take care of parents, not the other way around.
- Screaming and shouting is the only way to be heard.
- Saving face is more important than honesty.
- Lying and keeping secrets is normal, and even preferable.
- That privacy is something adults control and children do not get to have.
- You come second; parents and their needs come first.
- That you must do what you’re told, without thinking or talking back; asserting yourself is wrong.
- Talking about anything uncomfortable is to be avoided at all costs.
Your relationship with yourself can be warped
It doesn’t feel good to be over-controlled, criticized, neglected, or rejected by the people who raised you. It can shape how you feel about yourself, with the logic that if your own parents treat you this way, it feels like you deserve it (let us be clear: nobody deserves to be neglected, especially in childhood).
Adult children of emotionally immature parents often believe:
- That you should put others first, always.
- That it’s their job to fix their parents’ mistakes and make up for their shortcomings.
- That perfection and accomplishment are the only way you’ll be valuable.
- That loneliness is normal, even something you deserve.
- That your feelings, needs, and you as a person don’t matter.
- That relationships are dangerous, and vulnerability is bad.
- That you’ll be abandoned.
Can you repair generational trauma with your emotionally immature parents?
They’re still your parents, and you still have needs that parental figures could/should meet, even as an adult. Is there any hope?
Some emotionally immature parents are open to working on the relationship. This can be a bumpy process. You’re all trying something new by attempting to relate to each other with maturity, so it helps to have additional support and go slowly with the process.
Ultimately, closure should look like your parents acknowledging your perspective and improving their capacity for managing their own emotions and prioritizing the needs of others. From there, you can start to relate to each other in a healthier, more supportive way.
If you’re open to repair, and you feel that your parents are likely to be receptive, here are some options:
- Work on supporting your own well-being; see the section below for more on how to do that. This will help you see more clearly what you actually need, and will increase your capacity for asserting yourself. This can help you break old behavior and thought patterns that are keeping you stuck in dysfunctional child/parent dynamics.
- Encourage your parents to pursue individual therapy in Chicago as a way to take ownership of their own inner emotional world. They aren’t used to taking accountability or self-reflecting with honesty, so they’ll need to develop that skill.
- Consider family therapy in Chicago as a way to begin the conversation; it’s a space where you have a “referee” in the form of a therapist, and it can make it easier to have honest conversations and work together without slipping into old dynamics.
What if my parents shut down my attempts to repair generational trauma?
If it sounds totally impossible to ask your parents to acknowledge your experience, or you’ve already tried and they’ve shut you down, you’re not alone. Unfortunately, a lot of emotionally immature parents are unwilling to work on themselves or change their dynamics with anyone. They may start to do the work, but give up when it feels too personal and real, and they start to become uncomfortable.
This hurts. It’s a frustrating signal from your parents that they’re not going to help you get closure, and it can feel like abandonment. They may even blame you for everything, adding insult to emotional injury.
So, your emotionally immature parents won’t do the work. What can you do?
Even if your parents won’t participate in repairing your relationship, you can find closure for yourself (I know, another thing you have to do for yourself that your parents should do with you; it’s frustrating!).
- Redefine your expectations. Let go of expectations that your parents will change. They are who they are. Consider how you want to relate to them (if at all) without the hope that things will improve one day.
- Set boundaries. State your boundaries clearly, and even if family pressures you, be ready to do what it takes to protect yourself, like no-contact, reduced contact, or non-engagement for certain topics or situations.
- Build a life that feels right for you. Get to know yourself better, without your parents' pressure and neglect directing your life. Pursue the things you’ve held yourself back from in the name of parental approval.
- Talk about what you’ve gone through. Talk to trusted friends, safe family members, and/or an experienced Chicago therapist. It can feel freeing to tell the truth and share what you’ve been through.
Working through generational trauma isn’t something you have to do on your own
Emotionally immature parents are frustrating, and trying to figure out how they’ve impacted you and what you want to do about it can be even more frustrating, especially when you’re facing it alone. If your childhood has ingrained in you that asking for help is unacceptable, a great way to start breaking generational patterns is to do just that.
We welcome those in the Chicago area to get in touch to see how our empathetic therapists can help you work through generational trauma, find closure, and find yourself again. Contact us today to see how we can help.