How to Navigate the Holidays When You Don’t Get Along with Your Partner’s Family

The holidays can bring joy… but they may also bring considerable strain, especially when the relationship with your partner’s family is less than comfortable. If you’re hoping to find ways to stay close as a couple rather than drift apart as the holiday season draws near, you’re in the right place. Let’s explore how you can move through this season with intentional, practical support for yourself and for your relationship.

Why do we sometimes feel like kids again around our partner’s family?

When you’re with your partner’s family, you may find yourself feeling small, defensive, or annoyed in ways that surprise you. These reactive behaviors often stem from feeling powerless, judged, or trapped in old patterns from past experiences where you had little power or were unable to advocate for yourself. You might revert to avoidance, making snarky remarks, withdrawing, or splitting off with your partner rather than engaging. This kind of regression is common during the holidays because you’re already juggling more: travel, expectations, time with extended family, and perhaps a sense of obligation, on top of the everyday burden of managing life. 

Psychologists note that recognizing those triggers helps manage them: you’re not just irritated because your in-laws insist on their traditions; you’re irritated because you feel unseen, devalued, or even as if you’re on display for someone else’s approval. When one partner senses these patterns, it’s easier to approach them compassionately.

Here’s how you can prepare for holiday pressure before it hits 

Communication ahead of time is one of the strongest tools to reduce holiday stress and improve your team-feel. Many couples therapy professionals highlight talking about boundaries, roles, and expectations before the gathering. Here’s how to lay the groundwork:

• Sit down together and share what matters to each of you: traditions you care about, how long you’ll stay, what you’ll bring, what you’re comfortable doing or not doing.
  
  
• Decide together what your “must-haves” are (for example, a quiet night with just the two of you, even amid family time).
  
  
• Agree on how you’ll support each other if one of you gets triggered. For example, finding a signal that says, “I need a minute,” or stepping out for a short walk together.
  
  
• Clearly set boundaries around in-law relationships: what conversations you’ll engage in, what you’ll avoid, when you’ll step away. Couples who do this in advance feel less like they’re walking into a storm and more like they have a plan, according to The Gottman Institute. 

Six practical steps you can take in these moments of conflict 

Once you’re in the space—often with more people, more noise, more “shoulds”—you and your partner can stay grounded by focusing on a few practical steps:

1. Pause and breathe. When your body signals discomfort, a period of deep breathing and stepping away for a moment helps avoid reactivity. Harvard says that recognizing holiday stress ahead of time helps you respond more wisely.
   
   
2. Team up. Make the decision together, so one partner isn’t left to cope solo. If you’re feeling dismissed by the in-laws, your partner can step in with you. This also reinforces your marriage rather than letting the family feud become a wedge.
   
   
3. Pick your battles. Not every comment or moment needs a response. Ask yourselves: will this matter in a week, six months, or next year? If the answer is no, it may be wiser to focus on what you can influence. Particularly during tense moments, it’s vital to remind yourself that letting go of perfect expectations is key.
   
   
4. Have an exit strategy. Whether it’s a set time you’ll leave, a code word between you and your partner, or an activity that signals a shift (for example, going for a walk or watching a movie, just the two of you), having a way out reduces the feeling of being stuck.
   
   
5. Support self-care together. Avoid skipping the basics of self-care: sleep, food, hydration, and movement. When fatigue or hunger set in, irritability rises, and the smallest trigger feels huge. This may include checking in with each other: “How are you doing?” “Want to step outside for five minutes?”
   
   
6. Focus on what you can control. You can control your responses, your choices, how much time you spend, and how you communicate. You cannot force someone else’s behavior to change—but you can decide not to feed into old patterns. That’s a strong, healthy place to stand.

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When to ask for help: A checklist

If you’re finding that the holiday season with family triggers old wounds, patterns you thought you had healed, or major stress that spills into the rest of your relationship, it might be time for couples therapy during the holidays or targeted holiday counseling for couples. Here are some signs:

You feel repeatedly caught in the same arguments every year with little resolution.

One or both of you dread holidays with your in-laws so much, it affects mood, sleep, or connection during the season.

You’re feeling disconnected from each other because your partner’s family dynamic is draining you.

You want tools (beyond conversation) to manage conflict, stress, boundary-setting, and shifting roles.

Working with a therapist can help you explore what you trigger in one another, build new habits for this season, and strengthen your united front straight through the holidays into the new year.

The holiday season doesn’t have to be another battle in this age-old feud between family-in-law dynamics and expectations. With preparation, communication, compassion for yourself and your partner, and clear support for each other, you can move through it with more ease and, with a little holiday magic, maybe even enjoyment. 

If you sense that the holidays are already creeping up with tension around family dynamics, don’t wait. Reach out to schedule a session with one of our clinicians. Whether for you individually, or for you and your partner together, there’s still time to explore how to make this season less about survival and more about connection. Together, we can create a plan that honors both your relationship and your boundaries.

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