If you’ve ever scrolled through social media and thought, "Why don't we look that happy?" or "They seem so much more in sync than we are," you're not alone.
Relationship comparison is incredibly common—especially among Millennials and Gen Z who are constantly navigating curated glimpses into other people’s lives. But these comparisons, while normal, can chip away at your sense of connection and trust, creating anxiety where it doesn’t belong.
So let’s talk about what happens when we fall into the comparison trap and how to shift back into a place of confidence, trust, and contentment in our romantic relationships.
Comparing is something our brains do almost automatically. It helps us make sense of the world and where we stand in it. But when it comes to romantic relationships, this habit can turn into a loop of unhealthy comparisons. Whether it’s noticing how much affection your friend’s partner posts about them or feeling insecure because another couple just got engaged, it often leads us to question our own relationship’s worth.
The problem? We’re rarely seeing the full picture. Social media, family updates, or even casual comments can create an illusion of perfection in other people’s relationships—a pattern researchers have linked to lower relationship satisfaction in some studies. It’s not a fair fight—you’re comparing your everyday reality (which includes arguments, messiness, and stress) to someone else’s highlight reel.
Unhealthy comparisons can show up in subtle ways: feeling resentful when your partner isn’t as romantic as someone else’s, doubting your relationship milestones, or constantly second-guessing if you’re "good enough." Over time, this eats away at your self-worth in relationships and creates emotional distance.
When you're constantly measuring your relationship against someone else's, it's easy to internalize the idea that you're doing something wrong—or worse, that you aren't worthy of the love you have. This mindset can lead to:
And here’s the kicker: often, it has less to do with the relationship and more to do with your own relationship with yourself. If you’re already feeling unsure, the comparison trap just magnifies those insecurities.
A lot of the work we do in individual and couples therapy here in Chicago focuses on reconnecting people with their own values and expectations—not the ones they think they "should" have because of what they see online or hear from others. It’s about learning to trust your own experience.
1. Call it what it is. The next time you catch yourself comparing, pause and name it: "I'm making an unhealthy comparison right now." That little moment of awareness can stop the spiral before it gets deeper.
2. Get curious, not critical. Ask yourself: "What am I really needing right now?" Maybe you’re craving more affection, reassurance, or fun. Try talking to your partner about it without blaming. You can say something like, "I noticed I was feeling kind of disconnected today. Could we plan some time just for us this weekend?"
3. Limit the scroll. This one’s simple but powerful: give yourself some space from social media, especially when you're feeling vulnerable. It doesn’t mean you have to delete your accounts—just be mindful of how it makes you feel.
4. Set your own milestones. Who says you need to move in, get engaged, or post weekly date night recaps to be "relationship goals"? Talk with your partner about what matters most to you both. Research tells us that managing relationship expectations starts with knowing which expectations are actually yours.
5. Talk to someone who gets it. Whether it’s with a therapist on your own or as a couple, having space to untangle those comparison-based thoughts can be a huge relief. Couples therapy can help both of you feel heard and build emotional safety, especially if comparison has started turning into conflict.
This is more common than you think. Your partner could be doing all the "right" things—texting back, planning dates, saying "I love you"—but if your self-worth in relationships is shaky, reassurance might not stick.
You deserve to feel secure in love, and that security often starts from within. Therapy can be a powerful space to explore why you might be feeling this way. Sometimes it connects to past relationships or early life experiences, and working through that can change how you show up today.
If you’re noticing patterns of comparison or insecurity that feel hard to break, we’re here to help. Our Chicago-based therapy group has 25+ clinicians with different specialties, and many of us work with clients navigating relationship challenges just like this.
Feeling unsure in your relationship doesn’t mean it’s broken. It means you care. But when comparison takes over, it can cloud your ability to enjoy what you already have. So take a breath, come back to the connection you’re building, and know that your relationship doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s to be worth loving.
If you're ready to explore what trust and connection look like on your own terms, reaching out for support might be the next right step. Whether you're considering individual therapy or couples therapy, we’d be happy to talk with you about what you're looking for.
