“How can I help my kid set healthy boundaries—when I’m still learning how to do that myself?”
If you’re a parent healing from your own trauma while raising a tween or teen, chances are you’ve thought this, or something similar, at least once.
You’re not alone. Boundaries—especially in teen friendships—can feel like an emotional minefield. Teens are learning who they are, what they value, and how to connect with others. It’s vulnerable work. And when emotions, identity, and friendship collide, things get complicated fast.
So let’s break down why setting boundaries with friends is hard for teens, how it affects their mental health, and how you can support them (and yourself) through the trenches of teen friendship.
Why Is Boundary Setting So Hard in Teen Friendships?
Think back to what it felt like to make friends in those early teen years. Remember that all-consuming, always together, soul-deep connection you made with the people who found their way into your life at that age? We spend the rest of our lives wondering why we can’t recreate those connections, and for good reason.
These relationships aren’t just about having fun; they’re about identity, belonging, and social survival. Saying “no,” asking for space, or naming discomfort can feel like risking everything that matters most in these relationships.
Here’s why boundary setting can feel nigh on impossible for teens who are in the throws of these friendships:
Fear of Rejection or Isolation: Teens often worry that asserting a need or limit will make them seem rude, selfish, or “too much”—and could get them kicked out of their friend group.
Lack of Practice in Boundaries: Most teens haven’t seen healthy boundary-setting modeled clearly by adults. If you’re working on this yourself, you know how deep that learning curve can be.
Confusion Between Closeness and Codependence: Teens may believe that true friendship means sharing everything, always being available, or never saying no. That pressure makes it hard to even recognize when a boundary is needed, and how it might affect the “realness” of the friendship.
Social Media Makes it Complicated: Group chats, Snapstreaks, private stories and Discord channels —it’s harder than ever for teens to find space from their peers. Saying, “I need a break” can feel impossible when your social life lives on your screen.
How Does Poor Boundary Setting Affect Teen Mental Health?
When a teen doesn’t feel safe or allowed to set boundaries, it can show up as:
Chronic anxiety or people-pleasing
Burnout from overextending emotionally
Resentment or confusion in close relationships
Difficulty making independent choices
Increased sensitivity to peer pressure
While parents are the first line of support, you don’t have to be the only one! Setting boundaries with friends so that your teen can build healthy relationships is where therapy for teens can be especially helpful. In teen counseling in Chicago, therapists can help teens practice identifying their needs, communicating clearly, and learning that boundaries aren’t about pushing people away—they’re about protecting relationships and self-respect.
How Can Teens Start Setting Boundaries with Friends?
Not every part of boundary setting is about the actual boundary. It can be really effective for you to set an example for your teen by showing them how you engage with your friendships and with your own boundaries. Here are a few of the practical steps you can share and model to help them:
Name What Doesn’t Feel Right If a friend always dominates the conversation or expects constant availability, that’s a flag. Help your teen notice what feels draining or unfair in their relationships.
Use Clear, Kind Language “I need some time to recharge after school, so I won’t be online tonight” is better than ghosting a group chat. Direct communication builds respect, and supports healthy relationships.
Start Small Encourage your teen to set boundaries in low-stakes situations—like asking for space during a group project, dedicating time to hobbies they do solo, or telling a friend they can’t hang out this weekend.
Expect Some Pushback Not all friends will respond well to a boundary right away. That doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong. It just means the dynamic is shifting, and they’re creating space for growth to happen.
Seek Support from a Therapist In teen therapy, your child can explore these moments in a nonjudgmental space. Therapists can roleplay conversations, help with confidence, and reframe boundaries as acts of care, not rejection.
How Can You Support Your Teen (While Still Healing Yourself)?
Parenting while healing your own wounds is courageous, but it’s also hard and often really confusing. To help you keep yourself safe and reinforce your own boundaries, we’ve got a few tips for you, too:
Be Honest About Your Own Growth You don’t need to have it all figured out. Saying, “I’m learning this too” can open the door for connection and modeling.
Talk About Boundaries Without Shame Normalize saying no. Share age-appropriate stories about when you’ve learned to set limits—even if it was messy.
Validate Their Fears Don’t dismiss your teen’s social anxiety or worry about losing friends. Say something like, “Yeah, that would be hard—and you’re allowed to want space” or “It’s okay to feel that way”.
Offer Roleplay or Brainstorming If they’re open to it, help them practice what to say or when to say it. You might be surprised how much they want your help when it’s done collaboratively.
How to Talk to Your Teen About Setting Boundaries
Not sure where to start the conversation on boundaries with your teen? Scripting or preparing conversation starters can help. Here are a few to try:
“Has anyone ever made you feel uncomfortable, but you didn’t know how to tell them?”
“Do you feel like you can say no to your friends without it turning into drama?”
“I’m learning how to set boundaries better—do you ever feel like that’s hard too?”
The goal isn’t to lecture or criticize the way your child is experiencing friendships. Instead, you want to invite reflection and remind your teen they’re not alone.
A Final Word on Healthy Relationships and Teen Counseling in Chicago
Boundary setting is one of the core ingredients of healthy relationships, but it’s a skill that has to be learned—especially for teens figuring out who they are.
If your teen is struggling to navigate friendships or you're feeling unsure how to guide them while working on your own healing, teen counseling in Chicago can be a powerful tool for both of you. You don’t have to do this alone—and neither do they.
Ready to explore therapy options for your teen or yourself? Reach out today to learn more about teen therapy and individual counseling in Chicago.
