If you read our earlier post, The Art of a Sincere Apology: How to Respond to a Non-Apology, you already know how important genuine apologies are when it comes to repair and trust in a relationship. But what happens when an apology doesn’t quite land? Maybe your partner says they’re sorry, but something feels off. That uneasy feeling might be a sign you’re dealing with a non-apology.
A non-apology looks like an apology on the surface, but it sidesteps responsibility. It might sound like, “I’m sorry if you feel hurt,” or “I’m sorry, but I was just stressed.” These statements often leave you feeling like your experience is being questioned or minimized, rather than acknowledged.
They can be tricky to catch in the moment, especially if you’re trying to smooth things over or keep the peace. But understanding the difference between a real apology and a non-apology is one of the most important steps toward better relationship communication.
Here are a few common signs to look for—things that might signal your partner’s apology isn’t actually owning what happened.
“I’m sorry if you were hurt.”
“I’m sorry, but you’re being too sensitive.”
These words add conditions or excuses. They shift focus away from the action and onto your reaction, which can feel invalidating.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but you pushed me to that point.”
Here, instead of taking responsibility, your partner is telling you it’s somehow your fault. It can make you question your own feelings, which isn’t fair—or healthy.
“It wasn’t a big deal.”
“You’re overreacting.”
When an apology includes this kind of language, it makes the issue smaller than it felt to you. That doesn’t lead to repair—it leads to more disconnection.
“I’m sorry you’re upset.”
“I’m sorry you got hurt.”
These sound like concern, but they skip over what actually happened. It’s the difference between “I see that you’re hurting” and “I see what I did that caused the hurt.”
Once you recognize a non-apology, you have options. You don’t have to let it slide, but you also don’t need to escalate things to be heard. Here are a few ways to respond that keep the conversation open while still honoring your feelings:
Try something like, “I hear you saying sorry, but it doesn’t feel like you’re acknowledging what actually happened. That’s what I need right now.”
Saying, “I feel dismissed when the apology focuses on my reaction instead of the action,” helps keep the focus on your experience without sounding accusatory.
It’s okay to say, “I want to move forward, but I need a sincere apology first.”
If it feels safe, ask, “Is it hard for you to apologize? Can we talk about why?” This can open up understanding on both sides.
If non-apologies are part of a bigger pattern, or if these conversations always end in shutdown or defensiveness, it might be time to get some outside support. Couples therapy or individual therapy can help make space for real growth and repair.
Understanding the science-backed power of a good apology can help you act when someone does not apologize authentically.
There are a lot of reasons someone might fall into this avoidant pattern and most of the time, it’s not about trying to be dismissive. Your partner might struggle with vulnerability or feel overwhelmed by conflict.
They might not have learned how to apologize in a meaningful way, or they might be trying to protect themselves emotionally. And sometimes, they genuinely don’t know there’s a difference between a non-apology and a sincere one. While that doesn’t make it okay, it does help explain why it keeps happening, and how you might respond with more clarity.
Non-apologies can chip away at trust in a relationship—but recognizing them is the first step to changing how you communicate. You don’t have to settle for apologies that leave you feeling unseen. You deserve accountability, clarity, and care.
If you're noticing these patterns in your relationship, therapy can help you untangle the tension and build better communication. At Pure Health Center, we support individuals and couples across Chicago working toward more honest, connected relationships. You can book an appointment with one of our therapists right from our website. We’d be honored to support you.
