When you become a mom, it can feel like your whole world shifts overnight. Suddenly, every decision you make, every thought you have revolves around the little person (or people) you're now raising. It’s beautiful… and it’s a lot.
It’s no wonder that many new (and not-so-new) moms find themselves quietly asking: Who am I now? It's common to feel over-identified with motherhood — where your role as “Mom” becomes the biggest (and sometimes only) part of how you see yourself. While being a mother is powerful and beautiful, it’s not the only thing that defines you. Let’s explore how over-identifying with motherhood can impact mental health, and what it looks like to start finding yourself again.
Motherhood changes everything, including how you see yourself. All the things that once defined you in the world, like your career, your passions, and your relationships might feel like they’ve taken a (distant) backseat. Over time, it can feel like there’s no space left for the woman you were before kids amidst it all. This experience of identity confusion can lead to feelings of emptiness, resentment, or guilt for even wanting something beyond motherhood.
When left unspoken, these feelings can contribute to struggles with motherhood and your mental health, including depression, anxiety, or strained relationships. You might start feeling isolated, anxious, or even resentful. It can also put strain on your relationships, leaving you feeling like you’re showing up for everyone else but not yourself.
It’s not because you’re doing anything wrong. It’s because you’re human, not just mama, and humans are complex, multi-faceted beings who need more than one role to thrive.
When you become over-identified with motherhood, everything about you from your mood and your self-esteem to your daily decisions can feel tied to how you think you’re performing as a mom. And because no one can do motherhood "perfectly," it’s easy to fall into patterns of mom guilt.
It can sound like:
You might feel guilty for wanting time alone.
Guilty for missing your old hobbies.
Guilty for feeling overwhelmed or exhausted.
Over time, this guilt can build walls between you and the people you love, including your partner, friends, and even your kids. You may find it harder to ask for help, to be vulnerable, or to take care of your mental health. This, in turn, may contribute to your mom guilt by making it harder to set boundaries, pursue personal goals, or even acknowledge your own needs.
Rediscovering yourself outside of motherhood doesn’t mean leaving behind the love you have for your children. It’s about expanding your life so that you get to be "you," too.
Here are a few gentle starting points:
1. Give yourself permission to have an identity outside of parenting.
You were someone before you were "Mom," and you still are. It's healthy and necessary to nurture all parts of yourself. Was there a hobby you loved before kids? A dream you put on pause? Start small — even 10 minutes a week can spark something powerful.
2. Notice your self-talk.
If you hear a voice saying “You’re selfish for wanting more,” pause. That's often the voice of mom guilt, not truth. Challenge it with kindness by reminding yourself that you’re allowed to have needs, boundaries, and desires.
3. Reconnect with your body.
However it feels authentic to you, it can be helpful to remember that movement, rest, and mindfulness practices aren’t luxuries — they’re ways to come home to yourself.
4. Find supportive community.
Talking with other moms who are also navigating identity changes can help normalize what you’re feeling. (Local groups like Chicago Birthworks Collective or online spaces like Postpartum Support International are great places to start.)
You’re not going back to the person you were before kids. You’re becoming someone even richer, with new layers of strength, tenderness, and wisdom. The goal isn't to abandon motherhood; it's to weave it into a rich, full picture of who you are.
Mom guilt can feel like a heavy backpack you didn’t ask to wear. It’s important to notice when guilt is actually about realistic self-reflection — and when it’s just shame weighing you down.
At Pure Health Center, we believe that taking care of your mental health is an act of love — for yourself and your family. Whether you’re navigating the early years of parenting or adjusting to an emptying nest, our team is here to support your journey toward wholeness.
You are more than the caretaking you provide. You are a full, vibrant, evolving person — and you deserve the space to rediscover and celebrate that.
